Kitty Boo

Who the hell care what I have to say anyway?

So much I want to say April 7, 2008

Filed under: Life — Billie Jean @ 4:27 pm
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I can never explain myself fully in your presence. I get lost, can’t express it well. So much is lost in my translation between the heart, the mind and shaping it orally. And there is so much I want you to understand.

I can just wish that in some way you do know. That you know enough to understand that you mean the world to me and I happy to be with you.

 

Fiery March 12, 2008

Filed under: Family — Billie Jean @ 7:56 am
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This entry, like the last, is the expressions of vivid feelings transpire while supposing to successfully fall asleep. It does not happen to me very often thankfully, but sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I become upset about something and I become so fiery. And while it’s so intensely on my mind and as some attempt to let it out I come here typing about it. This time it’s about the eldest of my brothers. He is my half brother. He do not like my mother, I get that, that’s fine. But I LOVE her, she is my world. I do not understand why every time we speak on the phone he has to say negative things about her. He must be very unsatisfied with his own life. Which I think he mentioned one time, explaining how the only highlight in his life was winning some popular street-style fight in Thailand many years ago now. He speaks of things about my mother that are over 20 years old. How Pathetic is that to start with? And second how the hell dare he speak to me like that about my mother? Thing is, if a person speaks bad about one person he probably do it about everyone else too, and absolutely about the person he is trash talking someone to. I do not doubt that he speaks bad about everyone, in fact I’m almost sure he is. He has a son, he has his own firm, he at least seem to have a wonderful relationship. So, what the heck is his problem? I do not like when someone speaks ill of someone else in general. I feel it’s so unnecessary and such a waste of time. I’m all for being happy and finding your own happiness and fighting towards it rather than baring a lot of thoughts towards things that are unpleasant. It is not good for you. But it is your loss if you chose to go that way. I kind of feel when you are an adult you have a choice. He is 10 years older than me and still haven’t got to that point. That’s sad. But not my problem. I like good people, and I do not find trash talking to be cool at all. Having a good heart is cool to me. Well damn, fuck him.

 

Friendship February 5, 2008

Filed under: Life — Billie Jean @ 10:54 am
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Now I regret that I replied (had any contact with you) because doing so had a negative effect on my mood. I’m hoping that writing it off me a bit here shall get me back into balance and on track. I have things to tend to and no time for any interruption – knew I shouldn’t have dealt with you now. As other left-brained people I tend to be analytical, logical, rational and objective and I do not handle people who do not possess much of these qualities very well. Perhaps because I am emotional and honest. People who are negatively erratical ( people can be erratical in good ways too) and shock me with actions that don’t speak much pro-friendship in a friendship relation don’t escape me since I believe much in friendship-manor. People-manor in general. One expects more from a friend. The question is if I should/could let your explanation pass my heart. It is brought to my attention how weak you are and even if I am all for caring for the weak I feel that our friendship has been damaged and my heart (and perhaps pride?) needs understanding (not pity).

On another side – I don’t care what other people do – but this was suppose to be a friendship.

I am hurt and I know that with you I am just suppose to get over it because you are extremely introverted with difficulties to relate to others than yourself. The question is how I want it, I guess it’s as simple as that. In theory, the heart sometimes wants to take another direction.

Typing this down didn’t really solve anything. It released the anger and brought out sadness and a tad of confusion. But I suppose it is the right path towards healing and a conclusion.