Kitty Boo

Who the hell care what I have to say anyway?

Pregnancy March 28, 2008

Filed under: Family,Life — Billie Jean @ 11:12 am
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Pregnancy hormones makes a mother to be less smart, but you shouldn’t be focusing on anything else than your baby when pregnant, anyway. Is it the best kept secret? I, for one, had never known that you become such a different person when pregnant because of the hormones. I had always relied on my brain, my brain was my weapon and my shield. Now not only can I not think outside the box but my box has shrunk. It is different than to what I’m use to. It’s unfamiliar and a bit of a pain. Plus I miss the ego that being intelligent gave me. But hey! Anything for my baby. And after having gave birth (scary thought) and breast fed I will be able to view the world through my wide perspective again.

Current situation:

I’m 8 weeks. My partner of almost 4 years and father of baby does not appear to be even slightly ready to become a father at this point so I do now know what will be. Searching for a better apartment downtown, near the central station. Visits to the midwife and other contacts to learn all about this situation from the money, rights and support perspective.

 

Down the line… March 12, 2008

Filed under: Family,Life — Billie Jean @ 9:48 pm
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What I am concerned about, sometime down the line, is the interference of in-laws (more the motherinlaw) when the time comes to have a family of my own. There is a huge difference between helping and interfering. My ex motherinlaw was from hell (literary) so with that experience I have been both frightened and causios not to become too acquainted with the current one. Perhaps it’s ridiculous but over the period of soon 4 years I have come face to face with her only a handful of instances. I hope that I can find the strength to make sure that both parties are satisfied. After all, my child would be their grandchild and they would want to be in his life as well as that I want them to be.

 

Fiery

Filed under: Family — Billie Jean @ 7:56 am
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This entry, like the last, is the expressions of vivid feelings transpire while supposing to successfully fall asleep. It does not happen to me very often thankfully, but sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I become upset about something and I become so fiery. And while it’s so intensely on my mind and as some attempt to let it out I come here typing about it. This time it’s about the eldest of my brothers. He is my half brother. He do not like my mother, I get that, that’s fine. But I LOVE her, she is my world. I do not understand why every time we speak on the phone he has to say negative things about her. He must be very unsatisfied with his own life. Which I think he mentioned one time, explaining how the only highlight in his life was winning some popular street-style fight in Thailand many years ago now. He speaks of things about my mother that are over 20 years old. How Pathetic is that to start with? And second how the hell dare he speak to me like that about my mother? Thing is, if a person speaks bad about one person he probably do it about everyone else too, and absolutely about the person he is trash talking someone to. I do not doubt that he speaks bad about everyone, in fact I’m almost sure he is. He has a son, he has his own firm, he at least seem to have a wonderful relationship. So, what the heck is his problem? I do not like when someone speaks ill of someone else in general. I feel it’s so unnecessary and such a waste of time. I’m all for being happy and finding your own happiness and fighting towards it rather than baring a lot of thoughts towards things that are unpleasant. It is not good for you. But it is your loss if you chose to go that way. I kind of feel when you are an adult you have a choice. He is 10 years older than me and still haven’t got to that point. That’s sad. But not my problem. I like good people, and I do not find trash talking to be cool at all. Having a good heart is cool to me. Well damn, fuck him.

 

A follow up March 8, 2008

Filed under: Family,Life — Billie Jean @ 6:24 pm
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As a follow up to the previous post I want to say that the reason to why she spoke those words probably was due concern but I still do not like that the base of her opinion is rooted a decade ago. And the fact that I have changed so much and am proud of myself, where I stand and how I live, and family being so precious to me – she did not think any higher of me than that. But yeah.. what ever.

 

It would be a good idea if you waited a while before you get pregnant???

Filed under: Family,Life — Billie Jean @ 5:25 am
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I do not know how other people function, but I am very different today as an adult as I was several years ago in my teen years. I have mentally and intellectually matured to a point beyond many don’t. I have much going for me, I am very responsible and have respect for myself and others. I am not in any sense at all naive and my judgment is very clear. I am sensible, rational, and logical. It may sound right now like am boasting but it is because I haven’t got to my point yet. In my teens I was very violent and in my early 20’s I nearly did not survive due lack of love for myself (but that is another story, lack of love is simply a sum up). So because of circumstances I met with a second cousin that I had not spoke with or heard from since back then, when my life wasn’t going anywhere. We talked and the subject of children came up, I said I have some things that needs to be taken care of before I can consider becoming pregnant (as I said I am responsible and believes living arrangements and such should be in order first). This is what I don’t like, without respect and doing any investigation into my life and me as a person today she blurted out that she really thinks I should wait before I have children. To me, that proves I am better than her (which feels good) because I know she do not have the intellect enough to realize what personifies a good human being. But I suppose that she didn’t have a good opinion of me do matter somehow because I am hurt by it. It is not like I care about what people think of me (trust how little I do) but I believe I may have a quite soft heart for family. It is sad but what can I do. It is not as if I would go to any extent to prove anyone wrong because I feel I don’t need it, I know what I am and that is quite enough. But I think when given the opportunity I will certainly correct her on that matter. You know.. it is so difficult to change peoples opinion on you, because they are stuck inside their box. On another hand I am not so sure that she is all that careful with what she say in general, some are not so understanding with other than themselves.

 

Life is only borrowed January 30, 2008

Filed under: Life — Billie Jean @ 12:05 am
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It is 00.35 and I am doing my best to be the most utter exemplary up-stair neighbour. I hate leasehold flats. If I could have it my way in living arrangements I’d definitely have my own beach house, not due eventual respect to neighbours night’s rest but for my own comfort – not having to keep everything low on nights as these when I don’t go to sleep until 2-ish am. Why flats are not soundproof for everyone’s comfort is a mysterious evil to me.

Yesterday all the stress and anxiety I have been experiencing the last month disintegrated from tension to tears. Most is now over and can be left in the past (at least somewhat). The funeral of my aunt was last Wednesday and now my grandmother’s funeral is being planned. On the 22nd of Feb we will say our final goodbyes to her. It has been tough to loose two so loved family members (not everyone are loved) in 1 month only. One due doctors inadequate and one to old age. Mourning lost ones really do take time. I lost my father at 19 years of age but I did not mourn him, it isn’t easy to mourn someone who has hurt you very bad. How close your relative-bonds may be. Sometimes it is only by blood and not heart two people are connected.

 

I cannot figure you. January 29, 2008

Filed under: Life — Billie Jean @ 8:18 pm
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Logic says you just are not as good of a friend as I thought you were.

My heart says you’ve lost it.

You social skills are a bit off but to not wish condolences when a friend loose someone near is rotten.

So basically yea, I cannot figure you.

I believed you if anyone would always be there for me.

Through everything.

I just think you’ve lost it.

You’re lost.

Considering other recent aspects of observation also.

I guess you’ve just lost it and I need to stay away (from you).