Kitty Boo

Just words.

Billie Jean — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:27:30 +0000

Two nights ago was very intense as I for the first time felt LOVE for my unborn. You coming as a surprise is very welcome.

And hey it’s been raining for 2 days and trees are at it’s first stage of blossoming and at this very moment it is raining snow.

Hyperemesis gravidarum

Billie Jean — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:54:33 +0000

All I do is be tired/sleep and feel ill/vomit. I was to the doctor for any kind of relief that didn’t mean hurting the baby and I came home with Postafen® (meklozinhydroklorid) from the drugstore. It worked fine the first couple of days to later cause severe dozyness (which is a usual adverse effect) to then not being able to keep any of em down long enough for them give effect so I stopped taking them. Not taking anything against sickness right now.

What is not kind at all is that I cannot drink any water without vomiting. Believe me when I say I am thirsty.

Hyperemesis gravidarum

Current status: I’m 10 weeks. Too ill to get myself down to the lab to get tested (the usual tests that pregnant women get). I’m too ill to take the dog out and Antonio (father to be) is travelling daily from the other side of the city to take him out. Love to you for doing that.

So much I want to say

Billie Jean — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:27:35 +0000

I can never explain myself fully in your presence. I get lost, can’t express it well. So much is lost in my translation between the heart, the mind and shaping it orally. And there is so much I want you to understand.

I can just wish that in some way you do know. That you know enough to understand that you mean the world to me and I happy to be with you.

Preparing for motherhood

Billie Jean — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:55:25 +0000

Have been at my mothers today. My uncle + more helped her with the last stuff. She is now entirely moved into the new apartment.

Tomorrow is the second appointment with the midwife.

I, myself, have talked to Anna P and now have a number for what would be appropriate for rent and can now really find myself a new apartment.

The number means that everything will go well and that this is really going to happen. It felt really bad that I had got myself pregnant and not knowing I could get myself an appropriate apartment but luckily everything is going according my mentally mapped out plans. So far. It is a relief and I have informed the father of my baby that it is going to happen – we will have this baby.

He, by the way, has got stress related zits. He is not ready for fatherhood .

Which is the reason to why I am getting an apartment by myself and for myself and the child. He is not involved in anything at the moment. When (or shall I say if) he is ready we can modify the living arrangements.

Nothing from this apartment except the electronic items (and the sofa which I plan to re-dress and pillow-up to save money) is going to the new apartment.

The baby is not due for another 7 months, I am going to begin buying the things for the baby in perhaps the 6th of 7th month.

The following months, I will get the new furniture and store them still packed for the move. I am figuring… I need new outfits this months so will buy that and the cheapest of the furniture which is the shelf.

Next month, maybe I’ll get the new bed. Who knows.

I want to clear out an earlier, possibly conflicting, statement how I am responsible enough to wait with becoming pregnant until living arrangements and such are in order. Well, here I am pregnant and things are not in order. So let me explain this. The idea was to have children in about at least 3 years from now and here I find myself pregnant. I had that time limit because it felt right these days, who knows what happens down the line but that was my feelings around it at this time. I was not sure that I could even become pregnant (OK not reason enough to be careless) and now I realize that something someone told me now years ago that you may not become pregnant because you are not feeling well (mentally) and all of a sudden you are better and find yourself pregnant. This is what happened to me. While with my ex we tried to get pregnant without success which is why I did not believe 100% that I could become pregnant since nothing came of that. Being in a bad place both mentally and physically back then I see how the statement probably is the reason. Today, I have never been better than I am today. And viola!

Pregnancy

Billie Jean — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:12:21 +0000

Pregnancy hormones makes a mother to be less smart, but you shouldn’t be focusing on anything else than your baby when pregnant, anyway. Is it the best kept secret? I, for one, had never known that you become such a different person when pregnant because of the hormones. I had always relied on my brain, my brain was my weapon and my shield. Now not only can I not think outside the box but my box has shrunk. It is different than to what I’m use to. It’s unfamiliar and a bit of a pain. Plus I miss the ego that being intelligent gave me. But hey! Anything for my baby. And after having gave birth (scary thought) and breast fed I will be able to view the world through my wide perspective again.

Current situation:

I’m 8 weeks. My partner of almost 4 years and father of baby does not appear to be even slightly ready to become a father at this point so I do now know what will be. Searching for a better apartment downtown, near the central station. Visits to the midwife and other contacts to learn all about this situation from the money, rights and support perspective.

Down the line…

Billie Jean — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 21:48:16 +0000

What I am concerned about, sometime down the line, is the interference of in-laws (more the motherinlaw) when the time comes to have a family of my own. There is a huge difference between helping and interfering. My ex motherinlaw was from hell (literary) so with that experience I have been both frightened and causios not to become too acquainted with the current one. Perhaps it’s ridiculous but over the period of soon 4 years I have come face to face with her only a handful of instances. I hope that I can find the strength to make sure that both parties are satisfied. After all, my child would be their grandchild and they would want to be in his life as well as that I want them to be.

Fiery

Billie Jean — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 07:56:29 +0000

This entry, like the last, is the expressions of vivid feelings transpire while supposing to successfully fall asleep. It does not happen to me very often thankfully, but sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I become upset about something and I become so fiery. And while it’s so intensely on my mind and as some attempt to let it out I come here typing about it. This time it’s about the eldest of my brothers. He is my half brother. He do not like my mother, I get that, that’s fine. But I LOVE her, she is my world. I do not understand why every time we speak on the phone he has to say negative things about her. He must be very unsatisfied with his own life. Which I think he mentioned one time, explaining how the only highlight in his life was winning some popular street-style fight in Thailand many years ago now. He speaks of things about my mother that are over 20 years old. How Pathetic is that to start with? And second how the hell dare he speak to me like that about my mother? Thing is, if a person speaks bad about one person he probably do it about everyone else too, and absolutely about the person he is trash talking someone to. I do not doubt that he speaks bad about everyone, in fact I’m almost sure he is. He has a son, he has his own firm, he at least seem to have a wonderful relationship. So, what the heck is his problem? I do not like when someone speaks ill of someone else in general. I feel it’s so unnecessary and such a waste of time. I’m all for being happy and finding your own happiness and fighting towards it rather than baring a lot of thoughts towards things that are unpleasant. It is not good for you. But it is your loss if you chose to go that way. I kind of feel when you are an adult you have a choice. He is 10 years older than me and still haven’t got to that point. That’s sad. But not my problem. I like good people, and I do not find trash talking to be cool at all. Having a good heart is cool to me. Well damn, fuck him.

It keeps me puzzled…

Billie Jean — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:14:10 +0000

This is so deviant and enigmatic that it has kept puzzling me. I am truley so disturbed and perplexed. I haven’t mentioned anything to him about how I am perceiving it cause – how do I tell a friend that something that he has a broken heart from is abnormal.

The story is, I had lost a dear family member and expected both condolences and emotional support from my friend. I heard nothing from him until after a week had passed when he approached me with that his puppy had died. OK, this is all sad, I love animals myself – but he had the puppy for 3 days and my friend had been in such a bad shape because of it’s death that he had completely broke apart and had been laying in his bed for a week in pain and crying over this. On top of this he keeps its ashes in a urn at home which isn’t my problem or an issue just further adds to the disturbness. He couldn’t be there for me because of a dog he had for THREE days, this pisses me off.

This is not a child I am talking about, he is an adult of 30 years of age. And quite frankly, this scares me and that is a healthy reaction to me.

Is it me, am I being mean?

Online friends making and chatting.

Billie Jean — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:23:21 +0000

I thought I wasn’t feeling online friends-making or chatting but I have come to realize that I somewhat do – I just don’t enjoy it with the flirty type of man. So I most preferably chat with other women than men (While in real life I stay away from other women because we are so deceitful towards one-another). I am not really into getting to know men net-wise who act with a flirty attitude, I’m just not up for it/feelin it. I find it is strenuous and demanding. I believe the reason to why I thought I wasn’t in to it even a bit is because that is the type of men I come across mostly while attempting to interact online.

Why do I feel this way? I’m not quite sure. Is the reason that they are such a pain in the butt reason enough?

A follow up

Billie Jean — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:24:27 +0000

As a follow up to the previous post I want to say that the reason to why she spoke those words probably was due concern but I still do not like that the base of her opinion is rooted a decade ago. And the fact that I have changed so much and am proud of myself, where I stand and how I live, and family being so precious to me – she did not think any higher of me than that. But yeah.. what ever.