Two nights ago was very intense as I for the first time felt LOVE for my unborn. You coming as a surprise is very welcome.
And hey it’s been raining for 2 days and trees are at it’s first stage of blossoming and at this very moment it is raining snow.
All I do is be tired/sleep and feel ill/vomit. I was to the doctor for any kind of relief that didn’t mean hurting the baby and I came home with Postafen® (meklozinhydroklorid) from the drugstore. It worked fine the first couple of days to later cause severe dozyness (which is a usual adverse effect) to then not being able to keep any of em down long enough for them give effect so I stopped taking them. Not taking anything against sickness right now.
What is not kind at all is that I cannot drink any water without vomiting. Believe me when I say I am thirsty.
Current status: I’m 10 weeks. Too ill to get myself down to the lab to get tested (the usual tests that pregnant women get). I’m too ill to take the dog out and Antonio (father to be) is travelling daily from the other side of the city to take him out. Love to you for doing that.
I can never explain myself fully in your presence. I get lost, can’t express it well. So much is lost in my translation between the heart, the mind and shaping it orally. And there is so much I want you to understand.
I can just wish that in some way you do know. That you know enough to understand that you mean the world to me and I happy to be with you.
Have been at my mothers today. My uncle + more helped her with the last stuff. She is now entirely moved into the new apartment.
Tomorrow is the second appointment with the midwife.
I, myself, have talked to Anna P and now have a number for what would be appropriate for rent and can now really find myself a new apartment.
The number means that everything will go well and that this is really going to happen. It felt really bad that I had got myself pregnant and not knowing I could get myself an appropriate apartment but luckily everything is going according my mentally mapped out plans. So far. It is a relief and I have informed the father of my baby that it is going to happen – we will have this baby.
He, by the way, has got stress related zits. He is not ready for fatherhood 
.
Which is the reason to why I am getting an apartment by myself and for myself and the child. He is not involved in anything at the moment. When (or shall I say if) he is ready we can modify the living arrangements.
Nothing from this apartment except the electronic items (and the sofa which I plan to re-dress and pillow-up to save money) is going to the new apartment.
The baby is not due for another 7 months, I am going to begin buying the things for the baby in perhaps the 6th of 7th month.
The following months, I will get the new furniture and store them still packed for the move. I am figuring… I need new outfits this months so will buy that and the cheapest of the furniture which is the shelf.
Next month, maybe I’ll get the new bed. Who knows.
I want to clear out an earlier, possibly conflicting, statement how I am responsible enough to wait with becoming pregnant until living arrangements and such are in order. Well, here I am pregnant and things are not in order. So let me explain this. The idea was to have children in about at least 3 years from now and here I find myself pregnant. I had that time limit because it felt right these days, who knows what happens down the line but that was my feelings around it at this time. I was not sure that I could even become pregnant (OK not reason enough to be careless) and now I realize that something someone told me now years ago that you may not become pregnant because you are not feeling well (mentally) and all of a sudden you are better and find yourself pregnant. This is what happened to me. While with my ex we tried to get pregnant without success which is why I did not believe 100% that I could become pregnant since nothing came of that. Being in a bad place both mentally and physically back then I see how the statement probably is the reason. Today, I have never been better than I am today. And viola!
Pregnancy hormones makes a mother to be less smart, but you shouldn’t be focusing on anything else than your baby when pregnant, anyway. Is it the best kept secret? I, for one, had never known that you become such a different person when pregnant because of the hormones. I had always relied on my brain, my brain was my weapon and my shield. Now not only can I not think outside the box but my box has shrunk. It is different than to what I’m use to. It’s unfamiliar and a bit of a pain. Plus I miss the ego that being intelligent gave me. But hey! Anything for my baby. And after having gave birth (scary thought) and breast fed I will be able to view the world through my wide perspective again.
Current situation:
I’m 8 weeks. My partner of almost 4 years and father of baby does not appear to be even slightly ready to become a father at this point so I do now know what will be. Searching for a better apartment downtown, near the central station. Visits to the midwife and other contacts to learn all about this situation from the money, rights and support perspective.
What I am concerned about, sometime down the line, is the interference of in-laws (more the motherinlaw) when the time comes to have a family of my own. There is a huge difference between helping and interfering. My ex motherinlaw was from hell (literary) so with that experience I have been both frightened and causios not to become too acquainted with the current one. Perhaps it’s ridiculous but over the period of soon 4 years I have come face to face with her only a handful of instances. I hope that I can find the strength to make sure that both parties are satisfied. After all, my child would be their grandchild and they would want to be in his life as well as that I want them to be.
This is so deviant and enigmatic that it has kept puzzling me. I am truley so disturbed and perplexed. I haven’t mentioned anything to him about how I am perceiving it cause – how do I tell a friend that something that he has a broken heart from is abnormal.
The story is, I had lost a dear family member and expected both condolences and emotional support from my friend. I heard nothing from him until after a week had passed when he approached me with that his puppy had died. OK, this is all sad, I love animals myself – but he had the puppy for 3 days and my friend had been in such a bad shape because of it’s death that he had completely broke apart and had been laying in his bed for a week in pain and crying over this. On top of this he keeps its ashes in a urn at home which isn’t my problem or an issue just further adds to the disturbness. He couldn’t be there for me because of a dog he had for THREE days, this pisses me off.
This is not a child I am talking about, he is an adult of 30 years of age. And quite frankly, this scares me and that is a healthy reaction to me.
Is it me, am I being mean?
As a follow up to the previous post I want to say that the reason to why she spoke those words probably was due concern but I still do not like that the base of her opinion is rooted a decade ago. And the fact that I have changed so much and am proud of myself, where I stand and how I live, and family being so precious to me – she did not think any higher of me than that. But yeah.. what ever.
I do not know how other people function, but I am very different today as an adult as I was several years ago in my teen years. I have mentally and intellectually matured to a point beyond many don’t. I have much going for me, I am very responsible and have respect for myself and others. I am not in any sense at all naive and my judgment is very clear. I am sensible, rational, and logical. It may sound right now like am boasting but it is because I haven’t got to my point yet. In my teens I was very violent and in my early 20’s I nearly did not survive due lack of love for myself (but that is another story, lack of love is simply a sum up). So because of circumstances I met with a second cousin that I had not spoke with or heard from since back then, when my life wasn’t going anywhere. We talked and the subject of children came up, I said I have some things that needs to be taken care of before I can consider becoming pregnant (as I said I am responsible and believes living arrangements and such should be in order first). This is what I don’t like, without respect and doing any investigation into my life and me as a person today she blurted out that she really thinks I should wait before I have children. To me, that proves I am better than her (which feels good) because I know she do not have the intellect enough to realize what personifies a good human being. But I suppose that she didn’t have a good opinion of me do matter somehow because I am hurt by it. It is not like I care about what people think of me (trust how little I do) but I believe I may have a quite soft heart for family. It is sad but what can I do. It is not as if I would go to any extent to prove anyone wrong because I feel I don’t need it, I know what I am and that is quite enough. But I think when given the opportunity I will certainly correct her on that matter. You know.. it is so difficult to change peoples opinion on you, because they are stuck inside their box. On another hand I am not so sure that she is all that careful with what she say in general, some are not so understanding with other than themselves.
Grandmother’s funeral was beautiful, I think she would have liked what we had arranged for her. We remembered the good times with her – before Alzheimer’s & demesne, missing her dearly. We had selected a coffin in a special wood that has come to represents the area where she migrated from, and was dear in her heart. The priest spoke of Kurbits which is a painting style and that she had always been painting (she used to have her own studio) & how it might have been appropriate that we would have painted the coffin in that style. Unfortunately was no other family member as interested in learning it despite encouragement from her. Relatives played the harp in the church and at the gathering afterwards. Grandmother was of the older times and music was played accordingly, music that we so often had watched her dance to and hear her sing. She was very artistically gifted, singing and dancing and painting is what she represented, it was her. When the funeral ended men in black carried the coffin to her final resting place and sunk the coffin down. It was too apparent to not notice that they themselves was of old age. This is where some of us took the final goodbye. The priest spoke something very beautiful of this during the funeral. How to us it may be hard to watch this but to her what can be more beautiful, loved ones following her to the last step, as far as we can, she eyeing the heaven from down there and people that she loved being there with her.
So now you are resting besides your husband, my grandfather. God bless you both. <3
See you when I get there grandmother. I miss you.
